Archive for the ‘Inner journey’ Category

Surrendering and releasing my hold on my food addiction.

For most of my life, I have had a food addiction and have carried an access amount of weight on my body as an adult. I have written about this many times in the past.

I would be classified as morbidly obese.  Although throughout my adult life I have unravelled a lot of pieces of the puzzle to why, and have made many wonderful changes to my food choices over the years, I still carry to much weight and stress in my body which has caused some health issues.

Over the years I learned the many varied ways I use food and weightloss to my detriment but there have been times in the past that I have found a much more peaceful place in my body and yet I often still felt numb. I even have managed to keep 40 to 50 pounds off my highest weight in the past 10 years or so.

For me, the addiction came in many forms that all created ways to stay in my head and numb my body to the many feelings that I did not want to access. Some of those ways were going on the latest fad diet or obsessively weighing myself. Beating myself up when I binged or gained a pound which always led me to more binging. I had learned in early childhood that eating was a way to cope with stress. It worked well.  I also know that denial is an important coping mechanism. It can keep us sane in insane circumstances.  But it can also become a way of life that keeps us just numb enough to cope that we are not even aware that it is keeping us in a state of mediocre. I believe this is how I have been for most of my life.  Always finding ways to reach the summit but never jumping off. I have had amazing moments of body awareness that I could hardly contain.  But ultimately I would soon find myself retreating out of fear back into my head where I felt falsely safer.

“My mind is a neighborhood I try not to go into alone.” -Anne Lamott

We live in a story in our heads that is always trying to get us to ‘do’ life, telling us we need to make ourselves and our lives better or different from what they are. In our endless trying, we have forgotten how to be.”  Mary O“Malley

Part of my challenge this year is to stay in my body as much as possible, it is a daily struggle at times but I am determined to feel my life in all its colours both dark and light.  I know there are many many colours that I am not even aware of that I am excited to discover.  I have developed a great deal of self-compassion these days and a deeper understanding of my years on this planet.

As I awaken more and move into the deeper layers of my body I am deeply moved at how much I have been missing. I will keep moving toward this new awareness that has come out of depression and what it has taught me. The greatest lesson is the surrendering of my addiction and allowing it as Mary O’Malley says “be the way”

Our compulsions serve two functions: the first is to keep unacceptable feelings buried deeply within so we can be numb enough to survive, and the second is to bring us comfort.” 
 Mary O’Malley 

When I turn to food for comfort, I am allowing myself to just be with that part of me without judgement and for the first time in a very long time, I am loving myself no matter what which is allowing me to learn the ultimate lesson of self-care, to be with what is and live more in the present moment.

Whatever is happening, whatever is changing, whatever is going or not going according to my plans–I release my hold on all of it. I leave behind who I think I am, who I want to be, what I want the world to be. I come home to the great peace of the present moment.” -Elizabeth Lesser

Joy comes from the ability to be with life as it is.” Mary O’Malley

Narms wide openew adventureswater drop await, looking forward to what they bring.

The privilege of being who we really are. A fresh new Perspective.

Very powerful summer, lots of ah ha moments!  Our sons and their families were in our home this summer for a week, all 12 of us including 7 grandchildren.  There is no better mirror to see yourself through than your family.  I saw some things that I did not like, mostly beautiful things I loved and all of these gave me another opportunity to grow and understand them and myself.  They both are amazing men, who have grown and chosen perfect partners that help them grow more every day.  What a privilege to have a family willing, honest and open enough to go to the deeper places to grow where most people are afraid of.  It is not always easy for the most part but it is the path we have all chosen.  What a privilege and honor to be a part of this family.

This summer also revealed more shadows with my body. There is a place in me so resistant to letting go of my weight.  As I return once again inward I found a fresh new perspective to carry me through the next phases of my life.  Mary O’Malley has this wonderful quote that I have been meditating on this summer “What is in the way is the way”.   So I have changed my perspective once again to something fresh that allows me to turn towards my food addiction and begin to let it show me the way.  I stopped the resistance and as I turn back and face it with curiosity and compassion, slowly once again a new path of discovery is being revealed.

One of my greatest “ah ha” moments this summer was one particular day when I was totally in pure bliss (for no reason other than being alive) I realized that this feeling I had had before a couple summers ago when I had spent the summer gathering plants and making infused oils, tinctures and medicinal herbs for tea.  On that day I realized that I had spent allot of time again this summer doing the same thing and  this is one of my passions I don’t  allow myself enough and is truly part of who I am.  When I do more things that light me up they balance out the challenges and struggles so that I feel more present to everything and everyone including the challenges.

Finding joy even amidst the ebb and flow of life often comes from doing the things that light us up and fill us with joy, things that bring us back to ourselves, you know…. who we really are.  We often get caught up in struggles and forget who we really are and what we already know.  I love this time in my life and the struggles ARE the way, they are here to show me the way back home to myself.  “The privilege of a life time is being who you really are” Joseph Campbell.  THIS PRIVILEGE IS A CHOICE I WANT TO MAKE MORE OFTEN.  What lights you up that you are not doing enough?


Struggling with what is.

Interesting that one of the more profound quotes of Carl Jung  “what you resist persists” is becoming my mantra these days.  Still struggling with some health issues I am in this constant tug and pull out of my center.  I feel so out of balance because of it so of course I eat more unconsciously and move less. Pretty sure I have put on some weight but again I am aware more than ever that I am resisting my circumstance and this week I have realized it is time to surrender and just be with “what is”. It is time to find the life lesson here and hear what my body is so desperately trying for me to teach me. Life is not always easy and for most of us it is a wonderful flow and ebb of the tide and of course there will be times when we are in struggle.

For some magical reason I got in my mind this week I wanted to walk a labyrinth.  I love different meditation practices and because I have had a hard time getting up early enough to meditate on the ground every morning these days I thought a walking meditation would help move me through this resistance.  SO that is what I did! I built a small classic labyrinth made out of sticks of wood right in my front yard.  I feel there is an answer here and look forward to hearing it in the silence of the walk.


What my mom never told me about ageing!

indego butterfly

Now that I am in my 50’s (52 to be exact) I find interesting dichotomies.  I love the fact that I have evolved enough now to love being in my own skin.  I allow far less, fear, drama and stress in my life and for the most part feel wonderful inside and out.

But there are those days when look at myself in the mirror and I see a mature women looking back at me and for a moment feel sad; sad, only because I feel younger and more vibrant than at any other time in my adult life.  When I see my breasts with my headlights (vernacular for nipples :)) looking for night crawlers instead of looking ahead,  :) I wonder where has the time gone.  When I look at my face and see a mustache and hair growing out of my chin I wonder why mom didn’t tell me these things may happen!  eeeek! :)   Yet inside even on these days I feel a sense of peace; peaceful because I have this deep knowing that I am so much more than a body.

Even more strange I have come to love this body more than ever even with all the extra weight.  I take time with my body now, I eat fairly healthy, (although I love having an organic chocolate bar with a hot cup of tea or bag of chips every now and again) but over all I feel good inside.  I move my body as I have shared in ways that feel wonderful to me such as qigong and yoga!  I love stretching and keeping my body more flexible now than in many years.  Recently I started making my own organic face and body cream and I lavish my whole body after a shower, mmmm this feels so yummy!! This part my mom did not tell me either but I have come to love.  An acceptance to what is. With this acceptance though comes the profound wisdom of the importance of caring for my body, mind and spirit.  This is the gift of ageing that I have given to myself.   This is the GIFT we all need to give to ourselves no matter that age.  This is a wonderful legacy to mirror our granddaughters so that maybe just maybe it will not take them until old age to learn.

Passion for life is a choice








As the winter months finally wind down and the sun is staying longer in the sky, we are having the last few cold weeks as we move into March.  I am excited once again and feel rejuvenated by the longer days.  I am starting to think about planting my tomatoes plants and dreaming about summer days collecting wild herbs, jumping into the wonderful waters of the Atlantic Ocean and working in my hothouse with the unmistakable sweet aroma of mother earth.  Spring always creates a stir in me.  Not only do I want to plant seeds but to cultivate new things in my life! Read the rest of this entry »

“This is mine” or “I belong to this”

Two distinct ways of seeing our world.  I read an amazing book each day called “The Book of Awakening” by Mark Nepo.  He spoke of this duality this week.  I thought of so many ways in which we get caught up in thinking “this is mine”; for many it is validating our lives through how many possessions we have.  Mostly I ponder the delusion of possessing this beautiful blue planet that so many of us in the Western world have, as if we really could.

Although we claim to be so advanced in this part of the world,  I cannot help but marvel at indigenous people who live in less “civilized” parts of our world that have a greater understanding of belonging. They understand we are all connected and interdependent on each other and our environment.

The first statement “this is mine” feels contracting to me, and the second “I belong to this” feels expansive.  Whenever I get caught up in my own delusions of possessions I  remind myself how in truth we own nothing, we are only stewards to everything. Read the rest of this entry »

Quantum leap in consciousness for my birthday gift to me! :)

This is what I see every morning this summer at 5am from my front lawn! A pathway I mow to my bluberry field.

About 3 weeks ago I woke suddenly about 5 am and jumped out of bed with an urgency I did not understand at first.  I went outside and stood in my bare feet in my PJS and looked around me as I listened to the birds almost shouting good morning!!! I felt a stir inside a kind of desperation and as I stayed with this feeling I was overwhelmed by emotion of gratitude and joy for all that surrounded me, my life, our home this amazing land, my dear husband of 33 years our sons their family and our dear dear friends.  Then I felt this sadness that I was turning 50 in just a couple of weeks and I had not reached the goals that I had set for myself.  Almost as instantly as I felt these emotions I felt a nudge of sorts, from God the universe I cannot explain it, it was simply an awareness that the goals were not going to be met until I was willing to step into my life 100%!!! I took a breath and I knew, I really knew in that moment I was on a mission!! Read the rest of this entry »

Compassionate wise questions can lead us too freedom.

I have been writing my memoir lately.  It has been quite a cathartic exercise for sure.  I highly recommend it to anyone.  I chose at this time in my life to write it from an observer and not a victim perspective.  Yes I had a very painful childhood but it gave me the foundation of who I am today.   I knew the time was right and as I write my story I have come to an understanding that this is how I am living my life now.  I am moving forward and no longer stuck in the past. It amazes me that as I turn 50 this year I have finally arrived to this point in time where I understand more of who I am and what I want in life!! Much of my journey of healing has come from asking myself wise and compassionate questions.  Early on I learned the power of this wisdom and was truly etched in me when I became a coach. Read the rest of this entry »

Living life authentically

This word “authentic” is used a lot by people who want to follow a more honest life that reflects more of who they really are.  I believe it is what most of us want but have a hard time to live.  There are so many reasons why most of us do not live authentically, we are caught up in what others think of us, we have patterns of thoughts and habits that we adopt as normal, we need to fit in or be accepted, etc. On a day-to-day basis we rarely speak or act from our own truth.   How many times do we ignore that small wee voice that is telling us something we need to do or not do? How many times do we lie to ourselves or others in order to not have confrontation or disapproval? We often appear on the outside completely different from what we feel on the inside.  Living life authentically is a practice that we can become committed too.  A client shared with me 2 words today that spoke miles to me, “noise” and “voice”.  Noise being all that we hear that has been programmed by others and society about who we are supposed to be or do and our own voice which tells us more often to follow another path. Read the rest of this entry »

“Mountain out of a Mole Hill”

Remember this quote that some of us heard as a child and maybe even passed on to our children.  In early childhood sometimes it is to hard to process painful situations no matter how small or large. So as children even those times when a simple disappointment might send us into drama overload!

It is very apparent today that many of us adults have that same tendency. We are still sweating the small stuff!  During a few days of the month I still find myself standing by these mole hills that I could simply stepped over but I still insist these little hills are way to big to climb and have to make sure everyone around me knows. Read the rest of this entry »