Surrendering and releasing my hold on my food addiction.

For most of my life, I have had a food addiction and have carried an access amount of weight on my body as an adult. I have written about this many times in the past.

I would be classified as morbidly obese.  Although throughout my adult life I have unravelled a lot of pieces of the puzzle to why, and have made many wonderful changes to my food choices over the years, I still carry to much weight and stress in my body which has caused some health issues.

Over the years I learned the many varied ways I use food and weightloss to my detriment but there have been times in the past that I have found a much more peaceful place in my body and yet I often still felt numb. I even have managed to keep 40 to 50 pounds off my highest weight in the past 10 years or so.

For me, the addiction came in many forms that all created ways to stay in my head and numb my body to the many feelings that I did not want to access. Some of those ways were going on the latest fad diet or obsessively weighing myself. Beating myself up when I binged or gained a pound which always led me to more binging. I had learned in early childhood that eating was a way to cope with stress. It worked well.  I also know that denial is an important coping mechanism. It can keep us sane in insane circumstances.  But it can also become a way of life that keeps us just numb enough to cope that we are not even aware that it is keeping us in a state of mediocre. I believe this is how I have been for most of my life.  Always finding ways to reach the summit but never jumping off. I have had amazing moments of body awareness that I could hardly contain.  But ultimately I would soon find myself retreating out of fear back into my head where I felt falsely safer.

“My mind is a neighborhood I try not to go into alone.” -Anne Lamott

We live in a story in our heads that is always trying to get us to ‘do’ life, telling us we need to make ourselves and our lives better or different from what they are. In our endless trying, we have forgotten how to be.”  Mary O“Malley

Part of my challenge this year is to stay in my body as much as possible, it is a daily struggle at times but I am determined to feel my life in all its colours both dark and light.  I know there are many many colours that I am not even aware of that I am excited to discover.  I have developed a great deal of self-compassion these days and a deeper understanding of my years on this planet.

As I awaken more and move into the deeper layers of my body I am deeply moved at how much I have been missing. I will keep moving toward this new awareness that has come out of depression and what it has taught me. The greatest lesson is the surrendering of my addiction and allowing it as Mary O’Malley says “be the way”

Our compulsions serve two functions: the first is to keep unacceptable feelings buried deeply within so we can be numb enough to survive, and the second is to bring us comfort.” 
 Mary O’Malley 

When I turn to food for comfort, I am allowing myself to just be with that part of me without judgement and for the first time in a very long time, I am loving myself no matter what which is allowing me to learn the ultimate lesson of self-care, to be with what is and live more in the present moment.

Whatever is happening, whatever is changing, whatever is going or not going according to my plans–I release my hold on all of it. I leave behind who I think I am, who I want to be, what I want the world to be. I come home to the great peace of the present moment.” -Elizabeth Lesser

Joy comes from the ability to be with life as it is.” Mary O’Malley

Narms wide openew adventureswater drop await, looking forward to what they bring.

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